I just pynch a tree in the face
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
