if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
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