Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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