Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
