I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
