Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
