Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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