she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize