oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
