remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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