Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
