You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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