mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
