I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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