i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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