I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
