if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The uberlube is also flammable
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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