Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
