i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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