My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
