i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
