I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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