So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
