Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
