i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
do herpes really smell.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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