I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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