My sheets look like a crime scene.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize