i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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