I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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