I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
