did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
try to milk me bitch
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