You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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