So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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