Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I think my moral compass just broke
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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