That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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