Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
