Dude my mom stole all your condoms
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
