Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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