oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Randomize