i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
