You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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