We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
