I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize
