my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you traded sex for a burrito?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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