I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
