there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
