I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
