genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I have feelings that need drinking.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
