Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
