Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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