I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
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