508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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