Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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