I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
