Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
the gays at disneyland are vicious
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
