So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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